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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25757821">The Sunshell Bay Resort(-ing to Fake Dating)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/bottledyarn/pseuds/hargoodgrief'>hargoodgrief (bottledyarn)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Lila is dead I'm sorry, M/M, Post-Season/Series 02, post-sparrow academy, skipping over a make-believe season 3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 04:48:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25757821</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/bottledyarn/pseuds/hargoodgrief</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“So, uh,” Luther said. He was standing stiffly in the doorway, the phonebook tightly clutched between both hands. “There’s a slight problem with the reservation.”</p><p>	“The resort burned down,” Klaus said.</p><p>	“It’s fully booked?” Allison said. </p><p>	“I got the name wrong?” Vanya said, flipping the newspaper back open. </p><p>	“What? No,” Luther said. “I, uh. It’s a couple’s resort.”</p><p>	“Well,” Five said. “Good thing you’re all broken human beings perfectly willing to play pretend and embrace the fine line between codependency and incest.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Diego Hargreeves/Klaus Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>317</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Nibblin' on sponge cake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>In case you missed my tag--I'm skipping Sparrow Academy and imagining that that's all been resolved with a few casualties/incidents in a make-believe, hasn't-happened-yet season three. Hopefully it's not too confusing. For the most part, the gang's all here and there are few to no shenanigans beyond the plot of the fic itself</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Things were, for once, shockingly…slow. Calm. Decidedly un-violent. The news every morning reiterated the same sweet feel-good stories from the night before plus some weather forecasts, and the news every evening covered a couple car accidents and occasionally the odd close call. Diego was <i>this close</i> to provoking a cult or a mob boss just to have something to do. </p><p>	“What is the point of all of us getting back in business if there’s no goddamn business to be back in?”</p><p>	Klaus hummed from where he was sprawled out on the floor. “Deep,” he said. </p><p>	“Yeah, alright,” Diego muttered. “Seriously. I think we did too good of a job fixing the apocalypse, because I went out last night and I couldn’t even find any muggers.”</p><p>	“You went out last night?” Vanya asked softly, lifting her head from the book she was immersed in. Of everyone, she seemed the most utterly unbothered by the lack of cases, concerns, or crimes. </p><p>	“Yeah, yeah, don’t get on my ass,” Diego said, shooting a glance particularly hard at Luther and Allison. They were sitting at a small table playing chess. The pieces looked comically tiny in Luther’s hands, and Diego didn’t know how chess worked exactly, but he was pretty sure there was no scenario in which holding more than one piece at once made any sense. </p><p>	Allison just shook her head. She’d apparently used up all of her <i>don’t go out and do your vigilantism routine alone when we all know you are perfectly capable of dying if you trip and fall through another window like the Sparrow Academy incident</i> energy.</p><p>	“You know,” Klaus posited, “Last year when I tried to track down my birth mother and I got lost in pre-war Germany, I had that same feeling of meaninglessness and environmental cabin fever…”</p><p>	Diego crossed his arms, waiting for Klaus to continue. </p><p>	“<i>And?</i>” Sparrow-Ben snapped. Diego shot him a glance. It was hard to get used to adult-Ben when your only interaction with any iteration of Adult-Ben was him as a spirit possessing your cult leader brother, let alone when the new version was a version that was kind of a giant asshole most of the time and being sometimes not an asshole was a very new part of the version’s personality. It gave Diego a headache. </p><p>	“What?” Klaus said, lifting his head to look at Ben. Something shifted on his face as he made eye contact. Diego chewed the torn-up skin inside his cheek. Klaus seemed the least well-adjusted to the new Ben being part of their lives, and Diego had to wonder if it was that he kept forgetting that it wasn’t the Ben he was constantly glued to for over a decade. </p><p>	“You didn’t finish your sentence,” Luther said. He set down both of the chess pieces he was still clutching. </p><p>	“What sentence?”</p><p>	“Oh, my god,” Allison said.</p><p>	“<i>Oh,</i>” Klaus said. He laid his head back down and wriggled slightly, maneuvering his speckled, gossamer shirt down where it had shifted up his torso. “That was it. It was tremendously boring.”</p><p>	“Well, alright,” Diego muttered. “Do any of you have <i>anything</i> we could put our time towards?”</p><p>	“That Italian place down the street had a salmonella outbreak from their onions,” Klaus said. “They were closed for a week.”</p><p>	“Do you think someone poisoned their supply?” Diego asked.</p><p>	Five snorted and Diego leapt up, turning around to look over the back of the couch he’d been sat on. </p><p>	“Have you been here the whole time?” Diego asked, staring down at where Five was sitting against the back of the couch.</p><p>	Five shrugged.</p><p>	“I can tell you with absolute certainty that there is nothing you could possibly do for the world,” the muffled voice from under Five’s shirt said. </p><p>	Diego swung himself over the back of the couch and held a knife out against Five’s chest. </p><p>	“Let him out,” Diego said. “I want to look in his beady little eyes.” </p><p>	Five rolled his eyes and tugged down his collar just enough so that the tiny deformed head of his older-looking-self peeked out, sneering.</p><p>	“I don’t want to hear another peep from you, you little Kuato-looking-ass tumor man,” Diego said, prodding him with the only-slightly-sharp back end of his knife. “If it were up to me, I’d cut you right off.” </p><p>	“Well, it’s not up to you, is it?” Regular-Five said, pulling his shirt back into place hard enough to stifle the Thing on his chest. “I’ll dispose of him when it suits me. I don’t tell you to excise your overinflated daddy issue swim bladder, do I?”</p><p>	“What does that even m—” </p><p>	“Hey,” Vanya said. “I actually found something.” </p><p>	“You probably just don’t know how to get rid of it,” Ben said, taking Diego’s abandoned spot on the couch and peering over at Five. “Let’s be real.”</p><p>	“I’ll have you know, sparrow boy, that I could erase you from existence just as easily,” Five snarled. </p><p>	“Hey!” Vanya said, louder. “I said I found something!”</p><p>	“Could you three please try to get along?” Allison sighed.</p><p>	Luther scowled and stood up, lumbering towards the back of the couch. </p><p>	“Don’t you start, Luther,” Allison said. He froze and pivoted slightly, heading over to the window to look out as if it were his intent from the start to gaze out at the city street below. </p><p>	“I, for one, think Five is much more calm now that he has a companion again,” Klaus said. “I think I’d rather imagine him and the Thing being intimate than him and a mannequin, but—”</p><p>	“I resent being called the Thing!” the Thing said, muffled by Five’s tightly buttoned layers.</p><p>	“For the love of god,” Vanya said. She climbed up on the coffee table and shook a newspaper over her head. “I don’t care about Five’s Thing. Diego, if you want something to do that isn’t threatening to stab your brothers, you should take a look.”</p><p>	Diego frowned and finally looked away from the uneven bulge at Five’s collarbone, past his back-from-the-dead but not the same person asshole demonic tentacle boy brother, past his high-on-life brother who seemed to be administering a self-massage on his small intestine, and finally focused on Vanya, who was finally above ankle height thanks to her spot atop the coffee table. </p><p>	“What is it?” he said, climbing over the back of the couch again and taking a seat at the furthest point from Ben. </p><p>	“Everyone listening?” Vanya said. Diego watched Klaus watch Vanya; watched the grin spreading across his face. Vanya was very different post-1963, post-sexuality revelation, and post-getting to save the day for once with the Sparrow Academy debacle. A chair scraped loudly against the floor as Luther took his seat at the chess table again. “Okay. There have been some murders—”</p><p>	“<i>Murder!</i>” Klaus cried. He threw his hands up towards the ceiling and wriggled them around for a moment. Diego reached out with the toe of his boot and nudged the side of his arm. He was ninety percent sure that Klaus had hopped back on the sobriety train last year, but sometimes he made him doubt that. </p><p>	“…Anyway,” Vanya said, “there’s this resort in Florida, The Sunshell Bay Resort, and sixteen people have died there in the last decade, which seems…”</p><p>	“Suspicious,” Luther said firmly.</p><p>	“Yeah,” Vanya said. “So.”</p><p>	“That’s it?” Ben said. “What kind of people? What time frame? Is that all we get?”</p><p>	“Shut up, Ben,” Allison said. “Vanya, is there any more detail?”</p><p>	“That’s really all I figured out,” Vanya said. She shuffled awkwardly and climbed down from the coffee table with about one one-thousandth of the grace that should come with being an extremely powerful telekinetic superhero. “I think the resort tries to keep it all a little hush-hush.”</p><p>	“Well,” Five said, groaning as he climbed to his feet, like he was actually in the body he belonged. “I, for one, will resign myself to traveling to this place to investigate.”</p><p>	“A vacation,” Allison said softly. Diego shot a glance at her, trying not to actually turn his head to look at her. It felt like walking on eggshells with her since she discovered that in their new timeline her daughter had never been born. </p><p>	“I’m fine with it,” Diego said.</p><p>	“Since we don’t know what kind of demographics are being targeted, it’s really only responsible if all of us go,” Vanya said innocently.</p><p>	“If all of us go, nobody will be here to address any other threats that arise,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. “Amateurs.”</p><p>	“Well, you can stay home,” Klaus groaned. He sat up enough to lean on his elbows. “I’ve actually never been to Florida, so I have to go.”</p><p>	“I’ll find a travel agent and start making a reservation,” Luther said. He stood up fast enough that the chess table rocked, sending the pieces flying. He sped out of the room. Subtle. He was probably sweating already thinking about the possibility of seeing Allison in a bikini. Oh, god, Diego thought. Luther would be in a swimsuit too. He blinked hard to send that thought away. </p><p>	“Have you ever been on a vacation, Diego?” Klaus asked, reaching for Diego’s ankle. Diego let him shake it slightly before hooking his foot over the opposite knee. </p><p>	“Before she…yeah, Lila and I went to Cape Cod,” Diego said. </p><p>	Klaus cringed. He was probably remembering the incident with even more clarity than Diego. He’d never gotten around to asking if Lila’s ghost ever made appearances in Klaus’s life, but he imagined if she did it would be even more traumatizing than the spontaneous explosion had been in the first place. Diego crossed his arms and sank back into the couch cushions. Everyone always <i>looked</i> at him when Lila came up. </p><p>	“Cape Cod is not a vacation,” Five said. “If I could have, I would have allowed the timeline where it sank into the ocean to become a reality.”</p><p>	Diego rolled his eyes and shut them tightly. He should have let the near-silence of the room stand rather than ruining it all with his big mouth. </p><p>	Luther cleared his throat an indistinct amount of time later and Diego blinked back awake through the fog of a half-nap. </p><p>	“So, uh,” Luther said. He was standing stiffly in the doorway, the phonebook tightly clutched between both hands. “There’s a slight problem.”</p><p>	“The resort burned down,” Klaus said.</p><p>	“It’s fully booked?” Allison said. </p><p>	“I got the name wrong?” Vanya said, flipping the newspaper back open. </p><p>	“What? No,” Luther said. “I, uh. It’s a couple’s resort.”</p><p>	The room went quiet for a moment. Diego lifted his gaze to the ceiling. What did a couple’s resort entail? Ballroom dance lessons and couple’s yoga?</p><p>	“Well,” Five said. “Good thing you’re all broken human beings perfectly willing to play pretend and embrace the fine line between codependency and incest.”</p><p>	“Five…” Allison groaned.</p><p>	“Well, I, you don’t really…” Luther frowned, like his sentence was a stray cat crossing his path. </p><p>	“Oh yeah?” Ben said. </p><p>	“Shut up,” Diego said. </p><p>	“I booked it for two of us,” Luther said finally.</p><p>	“Ohh, for who I wonder?” Klaus said, climbing to his feet. “You and I, big man?” </p><p>	“What? No—”</p><p>	“You and Allison,” Five droned. Luther blinked. </p><p>	“Well, I just thought—” </p><p>	“More of us should still go, right?” Vanya said. “In case whoever’s doing this doesn’t take an interest in the two of you?”</p><p>	Diego frowned. It did sound nice to spend some time on a resort, especially a resort with a murder mystery to deal with. </p><p>	“Klaus?” Vanya said. “You and I could be another couple.” </p><p>	“Oh!” </p><p>	“No,” Diego said, cutting off whatever Klaus was about to say. One by one, everyone turned to face him. Klaus and Vanya wore blank, expectant expressions. Allison, Luther, and Ben were all frowning quizzically, like something was wrong. And Five—Five was staring, squinting like Diego was a bug underneath a microscope that he could pull apart and figure out. </p><p>	“Well, I just—” Diego felt his pulse quickening; his cheeks growing hot. “We already have one straight couple, what if the killer is looking for a…a gay couple?” </p><p>	Most everyone’s faces melted into that quintessential lips-pulled-down-at-the-edges ‘huh, interesting’ expression, but Five still watched him with that stupid squint. </p><p>	“That’s a good point,” Luther said. Diego raised his eyebrows at him. It wasn’t often that Luther thought anything Diego had to say was a good or insightful thought. “Well,” Luther continued, sounding more than a little harried. “For Diego.” </p><p>	“Diego,” Klaus said, “I had no idea you cared.” </p><p>	Diego shut his eyes and enjoyed the momentary sensation that there was nobody else around him. </p><p>	“Ben?” Vanya said. “You and I, then, if that’s alright?” </p><p>	“I already said,” Ben said, “Someone has to stay behind.” </p><p>	Vanya’s brows ticked down, and her eyes cast towards the ground. </p><p>	“Why don’t you and Five stay at a nearby resort as backup?” Allison suggested, walking over to Vanya and nudging her softly. </p><p>	“Oh,” Vanya said, a bit of color returning to her face. “That sounds good.” </p><p>	Allison smiled. She could probably tell as much as Diego could that Vanya very badly wanted to go somewhere warm and more relaxed than their stuffy home. Five sighed and zapped out of the room, his absence causing the slightest of shifts in the air. </p><p>	“That’s that then?” Klaus asked. </p><p>	Diego shrugged. </p><p>	“I’ll make us a reservation,” Klaus said, winking open-mouthed at Diego as he drifted towards the door.</p><p>	“No, I’ll do it,” Diego said sternly. Knowing Klaus, that reservation process would somehow spiral out of control in one way or another. Baskets full of rum waiting for them in their room, or a giant jacuzzi in the middle of their room or something. </p><p>	“I can’t believe you actually want to spend that much time with Klaus,” Luther said. Allison shot him a glare. </p><p>	“I didn’t say I did, I said we should—” </p><p>	“Yeah, yeah,” Allison laughed. “Right.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Watching the sun bake</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The humid Florida air shoved through the automatic doors by the baggage area. Diego would liken it to the experience of being breathed on by a hundred Luthers at once. Not that he’d had that exact experience. Yet. </p><p>	“There should be a shuttle for our hotel,” Allison said, frowning down at a brochure they’d picked up from the travel agent they’d booked through. “And Vanya, Five, there should be a taxi or maybe your resort has a shuttle too?” </p><p>	“We’ll take the same shuttle as you,” Five said, rolling his eyes and heading straight for the far end of the pickup area, his oversized-briefcase-looking suitcase clutched tightly in hand. He had to have some kind of over-compacted muscle mass from going from old to young, because his strength seemed slightly disproportional to his size. Diego had seen him pack that damn bag—there were enough weapons to start a small militia. How he got it through airport security was beyond him. They’d caught the few knives he’d tried to get through, landing him in an interrogation office for half an hour. It was a miracle he’d caught the flight at all. </p><p>	“Well, okay,” Luther said. He followed after Five, carrying his own suitcase. Which had wheels, but Luther hadn’t seemed to have noticed that yet. How Diego had gotten the reputation as being the dumb brother was something he’d never understand. Just because Luther was an astronaut didn’t mean he was smart. It wasn’t like he did it through NASA, he just got packed away like a chimp into a rocket and got sent off to his fate. You didn’t get to take the credit of being an astronaut when you were a glorified Laika. </p><p>	Shrugging, Vanya led the rest of them after the first two. She seemed to be thoroughly in vacation mode, given the lack of a deep furrow between her eyebrows, but she was still garbed in the usual loose, high-buttoned clothing. </p><p>	Klaus knocked into his side and Diego’s hands immediately rose to steady him. Klaus was flailing and jerking, his elbow nearly catching Diego in the face. From what he’d heard from Luther about Klaus’s arrival at the departure point in that alley back in 1963 (having been one of those that failed to arrive on time, Diego was sick and tired of hearing about it, because it always prompted Five to rail on the ‘incompetent’ ones of the Umbrella Academy, and Diego was included in that despite the fact that he was <i>drugged</i>. Drugged!) it looked like Klaus might be possessed again. </p><p>	“What the—what the hell are you doing?” Diego exclaimed, stumbling against his suitcase. </p><p>	“I’m trying to get this blasted sweater off,” Klaus said, suddenly muffled as he managed to get the thick maroon fabric over his head. His arms disappeared within it, sort of crooked and half-cocked like bird wings within the fabric. </p><p>	“Jesus,” Diego muttered. He reached out and tugged, pulling the sweater up and off of Klaus. </p><p>	“Oh, danke,” Klaus said, taking the sweater and stuffing it into his suitcase.</p><p>	“Why did you wear a sweater to Florida in June anyway?” Diego asked, grabbing his own suitcase handle and rolling after the others, who were halfway down the stretch of shuttles already. </p><p>	“It’s my airplane sweater,” Klaus said. “I’m fine-boned like a bird, I need warmth to survive that sort of environment, all those tiny, tiny fans blowing…” </p><p>	Without the sweater, Klaus was nearly naked compared to Vanya. He had a wispy sort of vest situation going on, somewhere between a kimono, the shape of a cardigan, and one of those filmy plastic vegetable bags that came on rolls in the grocery store. </p><p>	“You never seem to have a problem with air conditioning,” Diego said. He cringed away from the shuttle driver and shoved his suitcase up the stairs of the bus himself. He did not need some eighty year old man hefting his luggage around. </p><p>	Klaus pushed his two suitcases—leopard print because it was ‘so much easier to find at baggage claim’—into the driver’s waiting, wrinkled hands. </p><p>	“You wouldn’t understand,” Klaus said, waving a hand indistinctly. “You haven’t lived the world in my shoes.” </p><p>	“Thank god for that,” Diego said, thinking of the monstrous platforms he’d seen Klaus in the other week. </p><p>	The entire damn shuttle bus was full of Hargreeveses. Luther was taking up the entire back seat that stretched across the back end of the bus. Diego slid into the seat behind the driver. It was the best seat, because it the driver were ever to try anything, one could very easily reach around the driver’s seat and slit their throat before any funny business was accomplished. </p><p>	Klaus promptly sat in the seat beside Diego, his legs sprawling out to take up two-thirds of the knee space. </p><p>	“A vacation,” Klaus sighed. “I can hardly believe it. Imagine if Dad had ever taken us on vacation. <i>Children, this is an opportunity to learn how to appropriately adjust your fighting stance to sand. One never knows where one might encounter an enemy!</i>” </p><p>	Vanya let out a soft laugh from her seat across the aisle. </p><p>	“<i>If a woman offers you a beverage, children, assume she has ulterior motives,</i>” Diego intoned. “<i>There are no legitimate reasons for such behavior, especially not so close to a body of water which she might use to drown you once incapacitated!</i>” </p><p>	“You know,” Allison said. “When I talked to Ben…the new Ben, you know. He said Dad took them to some villa in Italy all the time. After every successful mission, he said.” </p><p>	“What!” Klaus said, turning around in his seat to gape at her. </p><p>	“I know,” she said. “It’s no wonder they all ended up so stable.” </p><p>	Diego laughed. “Stable, my ass.” </p><p>	“It’s all relative,” Vanya said. </p><p>	“Literally,” Five scoffed.</p><p>	“What’s that supposed to mean?” Diego said. </p><p>	Five just rolled his eyes again, and Diego gritted his teeth. Thank god Five would be at a different resort. </p><p>	“Off we go,” the driver said, climbing slowly into the bus. </p><p>	The bus shook into motion and they watched as the airport drifted away into greenery and the distant smell of the ocean. </p><p>	The resort rose out of the mid-afternoon mirages on the road, all pinkish beige stone and enormous walls of glass. An opalescent shell lit brightly by the sun it reflected hung huge over the expansive entry doors. </p><p>	“This is it!” Allison chirped brightly. </p><p>	“Yeah, I think we got that,” Diego muttered. Klaus slapped him on the shoulder. </p><p>	“Be nice,” he said. “Think vacation thoughts.” </p><p>	The bus shuddered to a jerking stop in front of the entrance and the driver started heaving their bags down from the rack above. </p><p>	“Let me out,” Diego said, standing and pushing against Klaus’s legs where they blocked the way into the aisle. </p><p>	“Hmm?” </p><p>	“Let me out, Klaus,” Diego said. “I need to get my bag.” </p><p>	“Let Bruce get it, his wife is very impressed,” Klaus said, tilting his head to the side and staring off towards the front of the bus. </p><p>	Diego frowned towards the empty area of the bus that Klaus was gazing towards. </p><p>	“She gruesome?” Diego asked. Some part of him couldn’t help but be morbidly curious. </p><p>	“Mm, no,” Klaus said. “She’s very plump and rosy, for a ghost.” </p><p>	The driver—Bruce, apparently—lifted down the last bag and Klaus immediately stood, letting Diego shuffle out past him and off the bus. </p><p>	“You walking down to your resort?” Diego asked Vanya, who had already managed to disembark. </p><p>	“Uh,” she said. “I think so? Five?” </p><p>	Five stepped off the bus and glanced over at her innocently. </p><p>	“What’s that?” </p><p>	“Do you know how far the walk is?” she asked. </p><p>	Allison and Luther drifted over, each of them holding their bags and glancing, not so subtly, towards the resort as if their reservations might get up and walk away if they spent too long out here. </p><p>	“Oh, we’re staying here,” Five said, shooting a glance at Diego. Sometimes he swore he could read minds. Then again, he’d taken every opportunity to mention how glad he was that Five wouldn’t be anywhere near them for this vacation, so it wasn’t exactly a secret. </p><p>	“What do you mean, you’re staying here?” Diego asked through gritted teeth. “You’re not a couple.” </p><p>	Five grinned, far too many of his teeth showing, and proceeded straight through the doors into the lobby. He waved a hand, beckoning for them to follow. </p><p>	“Does he think the clerk will buy that he’s over eighteen?” Klaus asked, sounding concerned. </p><p>	“He’s up to something,” Diego said. “That asshole—” </p><p>	“Hey,” Allison said. “It’s a vacation. Let’s pretend he’s not an asshole.” </p><p>	“It’s not really a vacation,” Luther said. “We need to—” </p><p>	“None of us have forgotten,” Allison said, giving him a glance. “That doesn’t negate the fact that we’re at a resort.” </p><p>	“Damn right it doesn’t!” Klaus said, pointing at the wide bar sat at the far end of the lobby. </p><p>	“Klaus, I thought you didn’t drink anymore?” Allison said. </p><p>	“Oh, like you did such a good job pushing me towards sobriety with your pina coladas,” Klaus said. He smoothed the flimsy front of his shirt and smiled lasciviously. “I’ll have you know I plan to be a virgin on this vacation.” </p><p>	Some spit caught uncomfortably in Diego’s windpipe and he coughed, choking into his elbow. </p><p>	“Virgin…drinks?” Luther said slowly, like if he spoke very, very slow he could coax Klaus into straightforward answers. </p><p>	Klaus just hummed and headed straight for the bar, raising his arms in the air as if the bartender were an old friend. </p><p>	Luther patted Diego’s back and he stumbled forward into a potted plant, his suitcase falling to the floor beside Klaus’s abandoned ones. </p><p>	“Jesus, Luther,” he said, catching himself on the terracotta edge. “Could you not?” </p><p>	Luther just shrugged and followed Allison towards the front desk. Diego straightened his back and followed. Five and Vanya were standing at the counter, and the woman behind the counter seemed to be on the verge of tears. </p><p>	“Oh, god,” Diego said, hurrying over. </p><p>	“—I am so glad we were able to accommodate you two,” the clerk was saying, one blue-nailed hand pressed to her chest. She shook her head, and one blue-eyeshadow-tinted tear rolled down her cheek. “I hope that your stay is everything you dreamed of and more. If you need <i>anything</i>, you can ask for me personally. And I’ve been in contact with the local hospital, in case anything goes wrong with…” </p><p>	She drifted off and looked pityingly down at Five. </p><p>	Who had at some point changed into a t-shirt that clung to the Thing beneath his shirt. The enormous tumor-shaped Thing. </p><p>	“Oh, for god’s sake,” Allison muttered. </p><p>	The clerk looked up in alarm and gaped at Allison. </p><p>	“Anyway,” the clerk said tensely, her eyes sticking on Allison for another moment, “I’m very sorry for your loss, and I hope that the complimentary dolphin excursion we’ve included with your stay will help you connect with your lost loved one.” </p><p>	“Thank you,” Five said smarmily, reaching for the room keys the woman had set out on the counter. </p><p>	He turned and immediately smirked smugly at all of them. Vanya drifted after him, looking somewhere between impressed and stunned. </p><p>	“Hi,” Allison said, stepping up to the counter next. “We have a reservation under Hargreeves.” </p><p>	The clerk’s wide pink mouth stretched further, narrowing into a thin line. </p><p>	“That’s Luther Hargreeves,” Allison said. </p><p>	“I am perfectly capable of finding your reservation,” the clerk said, her eyes shooting over at Luther for a moment. Her gaze dropped below the tall counter and in a few moments she produced their room keys, sliding them towards them with a stiff hand. She seemed like the type to hold a grudge. Diego glanced at her name tag: Ruby D. Onto the suspects list she went. </p><p>	“Is that all?” Allison asked, picking up the keys. The clerk shrugged. “Fine.” </p><p>	Allison turned away, tugging Luther along with her. </p><p>	“Five is <i>such</i> an asshole,” she hissed. </p><p>	Diego moved up to the counter, glad he hadn’t vocalized any of his judgment of Five’s lies when Ruby D.’s face twitched into a plain customer service smile. Klaus sidled up beside him and leaned his arms onto the counter. </p><p>	“No drink?” Diego asked. </p><p>	“I need a room key first,” Klaus said. He smiled beseechingly over at the clerk. </p><p>	“Name?” she said brightly. </p><p>	“Har—” </p><p>	“Smith,” Diego said firmly, cutting Klaus off. “Dante Smith.” </p><p>	Ruby squinted at him for a second before her smile brightened and she turned to find their reservation. </p><p>	“Here you are,” she said. She set their room keys on the counter and gave them a little pat. “I hope the two of you have a <i>very</i> special stay, and if you need anything at all, please give us a call here at the desk. You’ll find that a massage has been included with your stay, on us. Enjoy, you two. And congratulations.” </p><p>	“Oh, thank you,” Klaus said, picking up the room keys and heading straight over to the bar. </p><p>	Diego frowned over at Ruby for another moment. Had she already targeted them as the two she’d murder? He shook his head and walked over to his and Klaus’s luggage…which had been stacked neatly on a luggage cart. He shot a look over by the door and sure enough, there stood Bruce, hands clasped in front of him proudly. Diego grabbed one of the gold bars of the cart and pulled it towards the elevators. </p><p>	“Diego?” Vanya said softly, appearing at his side. “We’re all on floor five, are you two?” </p><p>	Diego shrugged, gesturing towards Klaus. “He has the keys.” </p><p>	Klaus stumbled over then, already clutching what looked like a pina colada, curvy glass and large pineapple garnish and all. </p><p>	“Are you speaking of me? My palms are growing hair,” Klaus said, holding out one of his hands. </p><p>	“What floor are you?” Vanya asked. </p><p>	Klaus pulled the keys out of his pocket and squinted at them. </p><p>	“One,” he said finally. </p><p>	“Oh,” Vanya said. “We’re on five. We’ll see you guys later then?” </p><p>	“Sure,” Diego said. She walked back over to where the others were stood waiting for an elevator. </p><p>	“Shall we?” Klaus said, gesturing towards the hallway beyond the elevators. </p><p>	Diego hummed in agreement and pulled the luggage cart along behind him across the shiny marble floor. </p><p>	“Number ten,” Klaus said. “Not very lucky.” </p><p>	Number ten turned out to be at the very end of the hallway, straight in the middle rather than on one side or the other. It had double doors, each emblazoned with the bright shell logo. </p><p>	Klaus fumbled with the keys and pushed the doors open with a flourish.</p><p>“Uh,” Diego said, stepping through the doors beside Klaus. “What is this?” </p><p>	The room was bright and airy, lit by a huge pane of windowed doors at the far end that faced directly towards a glittering blue ocean and blinding-bright sand. The bed was almost as large as the wall of windows, stretching across most of one wall, and it was nearly as bright because the stark white duvet was littered with white and pinkish rose petals. </p><p>	Diego blinked and scanned over the rest of the room. Enormous marble-lined jacuzzi in the far corner. A small bathroom with just a toilet, and a much larger room with several shower heads and <i>glass fucking walls</i>. A bucket filled with ice and bottles of champagne sitting on a table near the door. </p><p>	“Wow,” Klaus said. “This place is nice.”</p><p>	Diego let his feet take him further in and he nudged the doors shut behind them and the luggage cart. He’d seen the pictures in the brochure. This seemed slightly more dramatic than they’d indicated. </p><p>	“Oh, wow,” Klaus said in a nasally voice. Diego squeezed his eyes shut hard for a moment to re-focus. Klaus was standing over the champagne bucket and clutching something. </p><p>	“What?” </p><p>	“It’s our <i>honeymoon</i>,” Klaus said rapturously. </p><p>	“What?” Diego said, reaching for the card Klaus was clutching and snatching it away. </p><p>	<i>Congratulations, Mr. and Mr. Smith, on your wedding. We wish you a very happy two weeks of marriage and we hope you enjoy your stay.</i></p><p>	Two weeks? Marriage? </p><p>	Diego looked upwards, straining to recall the information he’d written in the papers the travel agent had had him look over. He reached for the front pocket of his suitcase. All the paperwork was in there. </p><p>	He pulled out the sheaf of papers and shuffled through them. Klaus came closer and stood just behind him, chin almost touching his shoulder. </p><p>	At the bottom of the second page, in Diego’s own handwriting, was the date he’d filled out the paperwork—June 11, 2020. He frowned and looked at what the line was labelled. He’d seen the line with the month, day, year labels and filled it out with the date. Like you were supposed to. But beside the line in the same slightly-curly font as the rest of the stupid files was <i>Since when have you and your partner been together, so we can celebrate any anniversaries during your stay?</i> </p><p>	And, like an idiot, Diego had checked “married” under the appropriate section because it had seemed simpler than the other options. </p><p>	“Wow,” Klaus said. “Congratulations to us.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. All of those tourists covered with oil</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Even the cabanas on the beach were set up for maximum couple behavior. They were practically beds, and each one had a fabric top over it to cast shade and gauzy hangings around the edges that gave the illusion of privacy. Diego was slumped against the enormous taupe pillows at the head of the bed, nursing a mystery drink that Klaus had gotten for him when he’d retrieved his own presumably virgin strawberry daiquiri. He had a feeling that Klaus was living vicariously through Diego’s drinks, because why wouldn’t he be. It tasted strong, like Klaus had asked for a double. </p><p>About ten feet to their right Luther and Allison were dozing on their own cabana, and beyond Klaus to their left were Vanya and Five. Diego kept catching random passerby making severe double-takes at those two. Half of them were probably convinced that Five was an unusually young-looking 18-year-old with a cougar, and the other half probably thought they weren’t guests of the resort and were just mooching off the private beach area. </p><p>“That guy,” Allison said, just loud enough to hear. Diego followed her pointing to an enormous, body-builder-looking guy slogging his way out of the ocean. </p><p>“No, no,” Klaus said. “He’s definitely with that little tiny woman with the one-piece and the curly hair over there.” </p><p>“Maybe the woman with the sunscreen situation,” Luther said flatly, pointing towards a woman sunning herself a foot or two away from the edge of the water. </p><p>Diego glanced back at the woman crying at the beach bar again. She had a wide-brimmed hat and an engagement ring so large you could probably see it from space. You could definitely see it from fifty feet away, at least. The waitress behind the bar seemed to be studiously avoiding eye contact. </p><p>“Wouldn’t it be a better use of our time to try and identify suspects rather than trying to guess who that woman is here with?” Diego asked, finishing his drink and dumping the ice in Klaus’s lap. Who just kind of wriggled and let the cubes begin to melt against his heat-pinked thighs. </p><p>The cabana bed shifted slightly, and Diego glanced up. Vanya was sitting at the edge of their cabana, stirring a mai tai and watching the couples walking by. </p><p>	“Ohh, that guy,” Klaus said confidently, sitting up slightly and pointing at a gangly but also simultaneously pot-bellied man with raggedy long hair and very expensive-looking swim trunks. If you’d asked Diego what could make swim trunks look expensive, he’d have no idea, but somehow, they very much looked expensive. </p><p>	“No way!” Allison laughed. She was practically hanging off her and Luther’s cabana to talk to the rest of them. Diego smirked, looking past her to Luther, who looked more than a little pouty, probably displeased that they were interacting with the rest of the group. She’d married a guy within two years of being in Texas, yet nearly thirty years of knowing Luther and nothing had ever come of it. That was beyond time to give up, but Diego was doing his best to resist saying so to Luther’s face, since the last time he’d said something like that, a couple months ago, Luther had tossed him out a window, which was an experience Diego had already had several times in his life and didn’t particularly enjoy repeating or want to repeat again. </p><p>	“What…are we people watching?” Vanya asked. “Deciding who we’re into?” </p><p>	“Oh, Vanya,” Klaus said, reaching out for her knee close to his. Diego watched his long fingers curl softly over her skin. “Please tell me you can tell that that man isn’t my type.” </p><p>	“Well,” Vanya said. “I didn’t want to judge, but he does look like if Dad were young, on drugs, and swallowed a watermelon.” </p><p>	Diego let out a sharp laugh. It was pretty accurate. </p><p>	“Let’s play that game, though, Vanya,” Diego said. “Can you pick out someone you’d bang who isn’t a psychopath? You’re one for three if I’m counting right.” </p><p>	“Diego!” Allison exclaimed. Vanya bit her lip but looked like she was holding back a smile. She’d figured out the last psychopath all on her own, so maybe it didn’t hurt so bad. Klaus was huffing in quiet laughter to his side, tiny flickers of his skin brushing against Diego’s side as he shifted around and his shoulders shook. </p><p>	“That woman trying to surf is beautiful,” Vanya said, pointing as a woman came drifting in towards shore on a board, her dark hair soaked and hanging around her face in thick waves. </p><p>	“You should talk to her,” Allison said. </p><p>	“This is a <i>couples</i> resort,” Luther said, sitting up suddenly and giving them all a hard stare. </p><p>	“Well, if that’s her husband, I’m willing to share,” Klaus said. A man was jogging through the surf to meet her, and even from far back on the sand, his ass was unbelievable. Diego whistled slow between his teeth. </p><p>	“Um, excuse me.” </p><p>	Diego twisted around. Ruby was standing right behind their cabana, her fuschia mouth twisted into a grimace. </p><p>	“I’m sorry to bother you while you’re all…busy,” she said, sending a look over towards the couple they’d been ogling. Diego glanced towards Vanya. She had her lips pressed together and seemed to be avoiding Ruby’s eyes at all costs. Same. </p><p>	“But I just wanted to ask you two how you’re enjoying our little slice of heaven so far,” Ruby continued. She was clutching a clipboard with white knuckles. </p><p>	“It’s fantastic,” Klaus contributed. “The view is wonderful.” </p><p>	Diego immediately caught sight of the model-esque couple jogging past their cabana and snorted. </p><p>	“You know,” Ruby said, her voice shifted away from customer service mode to a stern voice. “Last week I had to have a supposed couple removed from the premises because they were approaching other guests inappropriately.” </p><p>	Klaus raised his eyebrows and looked away with a grimace. It did feel like being scolded by Reginald. </p><p>	“Anyway,” Ruby chirped. “Enjoy your stay. I’m glad we could welcome you here to facilitate your relationship. And hello, Mrs. Thompson. I’m glad you’re socializing.” </p><p>	She gave Vanya a smile and turned on her heel, walking away briskly without so much as a nod towards Allison. </p><p>	“Something’s up with her,” Diego muttered. </p><p>	“She can see straight through you two,” Allison said. “Be careful not to get on her bad side like I did, she might spit in your granola tomorrow morning if you do.” </p><p>	“What do you mean, she can see straight through us?” Diego asked. </p><p>	Allison grinned cheekily. “You could behave a bit more like a couple, is all.” </p><p>	“Wha—you and Luther—that just—” </p><p>	“So who’s your <i>Mr.</i> Thompson?” Klaus asked Vanya, cutting off wherever Diego’s words were taking him.</p><p>	Vanya laughed and shot a glance towards Five, who seemed to be completely unconscious. It was weird seeing him relaxed. She turned back towards them, looking sheepish.</p><p>	“Five told her that my husband tragically died before we could fulfill our dream of travelling to Florida,” she said. “I think between that and his whole tumor thing they were willing to let us come no matter what.”</p><p>	“Hey, Make-a-Wish!” Diego shouted. Five’s head slowly lifted and he turned to stare, his eyes covered by sunglasses. </p><p>	Five waited, staring blankly, until he finally threw up his hands. “<i>What</i>?”</p><p>	“Nothing,” Diego said, settling back into the pillows, trying not to smile. </p><p>	Five promptly vanished, probably off to find a cabana to relax on that was nowhere near the rest of the family. Good. </p><p>	“Ooh,” Klaus said. “Vanya, what about her?” </p><p>	Diego looked towards where Klaus was nodding his chin. A woman with a floaty pink sarong around her waist was drifting by with a kite trailing above her.</p><p>	“Who flies a kite? We did leave the sixties, right?” Diego said. </p><p>	“Maybe it’s like…meditation,” Klaus suggested. </p><p>	“You know,” Allison said. “Vanya’s the only one of us who could actually go after someone. I don’t think they’re going to try to tell a widow with a dying kid that she can’t flirt.”</p><p>	“Unless she pulls the old homewrecker routine again,” Diego said. </p><p>	“Diego…” Allison sighed. If Diego had a nickel for every time Allison said his name in a disappointed tone. </p><p>	“The old homewrecker razzle-dazzle,” Klaus said. </p><p>	Vanya was half-smiling, but she got up and wandered back to her now-empty cabana. </p><p>	“Look, you drove her away,” Allison said. </p><p>	“She’s not a <i>dog</i>,” Diego said. </p><p>	“Anyone want something to drink?”</p><p>	A woman in the pale pink collared shirt indicative of hotel employees was stood between their cabanas, pad of paper ready to take orders. The waitress from the beach bar, it looked like. </p><p>	“I’m good,” Diego said. The woman smiled and turned towards Allison and Luther, her long blonde ponytail swinging behind her. </p><p>	Allison started ordering something or other and Diego let out a long breath. It was hot and humid and sticky. Why did people go on vacations if it meant sweating this much? There was a couple walking through the shallows holding hands, looking like they didn’t have a care in the world. Diego looked towards their feet with a grimace. There were probably all sorts of sharp shells and garbage at the bottom that they were stepping on. It didn’t even look relaxing. </p><p>	A hand clasped down on Diego’s shoulder and he jumped, turning to look at Klaus, who looked exaggeratedly pitying. </p><p>	“You’re tenser than an asshole holding in a fart,” Klaus said. He gave Diego a little shake. </p><p>	“That’s not going to help,” Diego said. He grabbed Klaus’s wrist and shook his hand around like a limp crab. “Maybe if you get me drunk enough, I’ll relax.” </p><p>	“Is that a challenge?” Klaus asked, leaning slightly closer, his eyes a little manic and bright. “I thought your body was a temple, are you giving me free reign to feed you frozen margaritas?” </p><p>	“Frozen drinks are for children and boneheads like you,” Diego said. He dropped Klaus’s wrist, the skin starting to feel warm and clammy under his grip, the sunscreen starting to go slippery. “And no, it’s not a challenge, Klaus, I have some self-preservation.” </p><p>Someone giggled off to their left and they both turned. Vanya was smiling up at the waitress, sitting cross-legged at the edge of her cabana. The waitress laughed at something Vanya said, leaning back slightly and reaching out to touch Vanya’s arm. </p><p>	“I’ll be damned,” Diego said. “She’s a womanizer.”</p><p>	“I’m not surprised,” Klaus said. “Imagine what she can do with her fingers. All those years of violin.” </p><p>	“Jesus, Klaus,” Allison said. “Could you at least keep your voice down?” </p><p>	“I was talking quietly!” Klaus cried. </p><p>	“I think it’s just open season in a place like this,” Diego said, shaking his head. “The staff usually just have couples around, and now bam, someone single. I could get someone just as fast.” </p><p>	“Oh, sure, if that’s what you want to tell yourself,” Klaus said. He patted Diego’s knee like he was a delusional child. </p><p>	“Hey,” Diego said. “I’m a heartbreaker.” </p><p>	“Oh yeah?” Klaus said, grinning as he rolled onto his stomach and propped his chin in his hands. “So, who ended up heartbroken after your last relationship?” </p><p>	Diego struggled for words, staring up at the soft fabric hanging above them. </p><p>	“…me,” he said finally. </p><p>	“And the time before that?” </p><p>	“Me, but—” </p><p>	“Diego,” Klaus said. “It’s alright to admit you’re just a sensitive, submissive, fragile little man.” </p><p>	“Where the—what the hell are you talking about?” </p><p>	“He’s trying to get you riled up,” Allison said. </p><p>	“I’m sick of you throwing in your two cents, Allison,” Diego snapped, turning to point a finger at her. “Stay on your cabana.”</p><p>	She rolled her eyes and pushed her sunglasses back up on her nose. </p><p>	“And Klaus!” he said, turning back. “We’re the same height and you have the proportions of a straw, what do you mean <i>little</i>?” </p><p>	“Aw,” Klaus said. He cupped Diego’s cheek but drew his hand back fast enough to avoid repercussions. “We both know you’re only five eleven and a half.” </p><p>	“I am six. Feet. Tall.” </p><p>	“And is that really the part you stuck on? Little?” </p><p>	“Wasn’t it you that told me to relax?” Diego said. </p><p>	“Where’s the fun in that?” Klaus said. </p><p>	Diego huffed and shuffled further away, crossing his arms tightly. He’d show him relaxed. Relaxing was easy. That was why Diego never did it. It was the lazy man’s game. Sitting around, not thinking about anything. Letting people get murdered while you sipped your fuckin’ mai tai and suntanned. Easy. You just—stretched out your legs. Looked at the waves. Which probably were full of sharks and jellyfish someone could feed a corpse to. Felt the sand under your toes. Didn’t glance over your shoulder or check for footprints left in the damp sand. </p><p>	“That’s it,” Diego said, rolling off the cabana to his feet. “I for one am not going to let people die on our watch.” </p><p>	“Okay,” Allison said, stretching her arms out above her, jostling Luther, who looked ninety-percent asleep beside her. He still hadn’t taken off his shirt. Probably didn’t want to attract stares. </p><p>	Diego rolled his neck out and headed towards the main building with just a brief glance towards Vanya. She was still talking to that waitress—she’d gotten her to sit down next to her, for god’s sake. Maybe the waitress was trying to infiltrate them, get information. Maybe whoever was killing the guests already knew that the Umbrella Academy was coming for them. Disregarding the fact that nobody knew who the Umbrella Academy were anymore. </p><p>	He unlocked the door to the main hallway and hauled it open, its metal handle warm under the sun. </p><p>	“Wait wait wait wait wait!” </p><p>	He paused in the doorway and turned slowly. </p><p>	“Hold the door for me!” Klaus was crying, racing across the sand with sandals in hand, his too-loose, too-short swim trunks slumping dangerously around his hipbones. It didn’t seem like it’d be too hard to tie them or buy a smaller size. Christ. Diego watched his legs move; his red-tinted, tattooed skin that glowed under the sun. </p><p>	“The sun wouldn’t be so hot on your damned feet if you put on your shoes,” Diego said as Klaus raced by him onto the cool hall floor. </p><p>	“Where are you going?” Klaus said, completely ignoring him. “I’m coming.” </p><p>	“You don’t even know where I’m going but you want to come with,” Diego said. </p><p>	“Yes?” </p><p>	Diego glanced back to the beach, towards the rain clouds gathering on the horizon. </p><p>	“Fine,” he said, letting the door swing shut behind them. “But no distracting me.” </p><p>	“Of course not,” Klaus said. “When have I ever distracted you?” </p><p>	Diego shook his head, starting down the hallway. That wasn’t even worth trying to answer.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I keep making jokes about Diego falling through windows and I only just realized that he actually does THROW himself through that window in season 1 and I can’t believe I internalized that part of his character so much that I thought it was a new concept…</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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